United States Marine Field McConnell will seek an injunction in a court with jurisdiction to stop the swearing in of the president elect in 2013 on the grounds that both candidates are apparently targets for pedophile man-in-the-middle propaganda attacks by BBC Media Action extortionists allegedly ‘groomed’ by the late Jimmy Savile and pedophile trusties allegedly hired through Valerie Jarrett’s White House Council on Women and Girls.

REQUEST Congress to issue Letters of Marque and Reprisal and confiscate assets of the enemies, both domestic and foreign, who procured the Joint Automated Booking Station (JABS) in support of a murder-for-hire service for former Vice-President Al Gore. Impeach officials who used JABS/Federal Bridge Certification Authority in the murder of JonBenét Ramsey (Christmas Day, 1996), Captain Chic Burlingame (USNA 71 and pilot of American Flight 77 on 9/11), and, Pat Tillman in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004.

Flew with Muslim copilots around tall buildings. On 13 December, 2008 an aircraft I was the captain of was 'tampered with' electronically. No effect.

Hey, thanks to the Ducks, the Bruins are fringe candidates for PAC12 South Division Championship.

Not fringe right now. 42-3 at the half. Duckian numbers.

Shockingly conservative for a guy who plays guitar in nothing but his undies, the Naked Cowboy is running for President under the Tea Party platform.

WHAT’S HURTING HIS CHANCES: For starters, his nickname automatically paints him as a big fat liar. If you wear underwear, you’re not naked, period. Technically, he should lose the boots and hat too, if he truly wants to paint himself as an honest candidate. Granted, “The Underdressed Cowboy” doesn’t have the same ring to it, but we like to think voters would rather deal with a cumbersome moniker than yet another lying Oval Office occupant.

Randy Blythe is the lead singer of Lamb Of God, a band so hardcore, and so metal, that even Slayer yells at them to turn that crap down, people are trying to sleep ya know, dadgummit. In short, he ain’t Bieber. But he wants to be President, and to return America to a more badass time, where men were men and fought for what they believed in.

If elected, he has promised to endure Boot Camp, and then kill an enemy combatant with his bare hands, just to show the military that their leader is one of them. Sadly, he probably won’t promise to also work a minimum-wage retail slave job from Hell, which is too bad. Maybe the anonymous schmucks stuck doing those jobs want to know their leader is just like them, too.