Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarians!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you ****** weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!



Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Joan

When everyone becomes special needs driven, everything falls apart. 'Everyone has to accommodate my special needs or no one can play, work or enjoy themselves.

It's too close to reality to be comfortable.

And people wonder why I celebrate Boxing Day.

My spouse works for a Fortune 500 company, and those memos from HR ain't that far off! Actually they have a Holiday Party every year, but we've never gone. Why? A conversation I had with a close friend recently:

Jimbo: Hey, did you go to the **** Christmas Party?

Me: Nope, never been, why?

Jimbo: Oh because Susie's [a mutual friend} niece's husband works at ****. Susie was babysitting so they could go. Why don't you go?

Me: No interest in going. Besides, they make employees buy tickets!

Jimbo: WTF? They sell tickets to their Holiday Party? And it's $100/couple? What do you get for that?

Me: Dunno, never been.

Jimbo: Are cocktails included?

Me: Dunno, never been.

Jimbo: A huge corporation like that charging employees for a Holiday Party? That's just sick.

Me: Yeah.

Good to know.

But...but...December 23rd is a Sunday. Thanks a lot, Joan. And "management".

Can we change this to Holiday Humor? Cuz we needs us some.



More...

So poor Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director, could have saved herself a whole lot of trouble if she had used the proper name for the holiday right at the start. Everyone knows it's not Christmas, it's Christmahana kwanzika. Sheesh.